InneR

Each and everyday i feel like i am getting worst and did not know what to do. Each and every time i am getting better at hiding it safe in the little drawer of my heart and lock it tightly and unleash it when i am struggling. I do not know how i feel right now, but i do know that i am so pathetic right this moment. I felt guilty when i felt like i hurt someone; mind what others think about me; confuse when things went complicated; lost when i have no direction; and sorry when i have make a mistake. I would not realise what i have done and what i just did to others.
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Today, everything seems so wrong for me. It is another usual day, cloudy and seems like its going to rain. And tonight, i will be on my own as my friend, Serene is not going to be with me in the same room again. Well, she is leaving, i mean going back to Kuching, as she is more into pharmacy. Yesterday night was fun, we all had dinner at Noodle Station and bought slices of cakes of different flavour and combined it as a farewell for Serene. Later that, we went back to our hostel and played "truth or dare" till 2.00 a.m. in the morning. It was a night to remember for it was a farewell party for Serene. I am worst when to express my feelings. Lots of thing is in my mind and i do not know what to say. All i know was that i am so lost and did not know what to say to her. It is better that way because i tend to be so clam and be numb as it was like the day when i first came to Penang where i left the family and friends, though it is very very different. Although there were many things happened lately between us, i still could not believe that our moments of together ends right here. Maybe in the future, we will meet again. Till then goodbye and good luck.
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Things are so complicated right now. It is the inner war of myself. There is a part of me wishes to go home and left all the things behind because i really felt sick and sad when i was remind of the issues which arises, which is i maybe will neglected my family. But deep inside i knew that i will regret if this is the reason why i abandon my ambition. So i told mum, and she understands well and gave me the right medicine which i needed so badly from her. Mum told me to stay strong and always pray to God. She even told me this, "it is how you manage your own time. Mommy and daddy will understand that its your responsible. We raise you up, but we are not always there to be with you throughtout your journey in your life. We play our role as parents and support you in all ways." The next thing was, i m crying while i was talking with my mum through the phone. That was when i walked back to hostel in the rainny day in the dark night without taking my umbrella along with me.
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Recently, i really cannot be very positive. The other side of me is still attacking the positive side of mine. When will this war ends? I don't really know. I do really need some advises right now and to strenghten myself. Untill this war ends, so does my silent tears stops, and my sunny day would be back again.

The Day

Today is the day that all the SPM candidates 2008 take their result. I am one of them. I felt very nervous yesterday and did silly things. Sweat. But today, i am not nervous anymore. I went to have breakfast with my friends which i have not seen for ages, though its a month. While waiting, we took some pictures using Jeff's phone, hahaha. These are some of it.

Me and Laura Kuek Hui Shi, the genius froggy.

Girls : Lishyuan, me, SingNi, LingChien

Boys : Christopher, Oliver, BoonKui

From left : LingChien, Cally, SingNi and me

Hm, well about the result..... Wait and hear from me if u ever ask. Hahahaha.......

NerV0us.......

Gosh, out of all the sudden i m so nervous right now. I can't believe that i am so nervous as i am looking at the time and it is almost tomorrow. Save me, save me, save me from the nerves. I feel so useless right now. I can't be so positive and i am like going to the route of negative thinking. Ugh, i m so emotional! I can't think of anything to do but keep saying that i am so nervous right now. Everything is so wrong for me now. Why????? Help me, Help me!!!! I really just hope that i can get the SPM result right now to delete this nervous part of me.

Falling stars

"See a falling stars and put it in the pocket, never let it slip away..."
My falling stars never came to me, i would not hope for more, but just to see it once.
Just once that is enough for me.
Even if i did not get the chance to keep it, but it will remain always inside my mind.
I wonder what would it be if i saw it falling from the sky.
Will i be excited?
Will i just sit there and remain silent till it is gone?
Will i keep my eyes on it?
Will i do anything which i cant predict?
All these thoughts have been running through my mind.
I thought i would not care much about it.
However i was wrong.
I felt so curious about it.
I wanted to know about it.
But then again, i just let it.
Believing that i will get through with it.
Whether i care much or less, i believe that one day, something will replace it.
Its just that i doubt that something will put such an effort.
I just hope that i can see it once, just once.
Not more but once.

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Randomly.....

Well, i m back home rite now. So happy and so excited. This afternoon, i went to meet Singni and we both went to watch movie and spend most of our time chatting and wondering around... Oh, and we chatt something about our ideal partner.... Hahaha...... Curious rite??? But i noe u guys wun be that busy body.

Oh, i m kinda 'wu liao' cz wen i saw the piano displayed my imagination all flows out > thinking that if the guy i like confess his love to me by playing the piano just dedicate to me, i will be like so touch till............................................................................ My imagination stops rite here cz there is no such person, and i din have any admirer so i might as well just stop dreaming... Funny rite, i still cant stop imagine such kind of things that is usually imagine by little girls<< wake up Karen, you are almost 18 when April comes *sigh*

Hehehe... Hahaha...

I am going home for my semester break. Yeah me.... haha... i cant wait to go home, for i have waited long enough. Somehow, i m sad about going back home because after that, i din noe whether i can be back here in Penang or not due to my SPM results and many other things like the next time going back home will be once in a year ( if i pass the examination in here with CGPA 3.0 at least) and all my friends. Furthermore, everything here, i will miss all of it if i cant make it through, especially my friends, which is my housemates and also my coursemates....*sobbing*.........

I 've just finish sitting my last paper for this semester; Moral. I feel great about it, because all the books that burried me for a week, i finally can leave it aside for a week. Thinking of it is not that worst actually, i kinda like it because of this examination, me and my housemates burned midnite oil, its not like we wanted to, but we have no choice...=.=''' however we did some chitchatt.This is the first time that group studying seems to be a good and fun way of learning for me.... hahaha.... Its so different compare to the last time, which was 11 years before, i think. =.="' Somehow i felt sad about the English paper yesterday because i did not listen to the instruction given by the invigilator clearly and also read the instruction carefully. I din noe why and i was like almost crying out in front of the class when the invigilator told me just as she wants to collect my examination paper. But i manage to control myself from crying ( crying brings no help, and there was nothing i can do to change it ) and somehow thanks to Lishyuan for calling and listen to my problems. Thank goodness i din cry during then. Though i still can be very positive wen i was telling it to my friends and seems like nothing was wrong. Hahaha.... to be honest, i dun feel sad anymore rite now cz there is always an alternative way, if u noe wat i mean..... ^u^

Though i m not like before, that talkative, noisy, and most of the time annoying, but i think its ok as i must be more mature and take care of my image in front of everyone, except in front of the people who knew me before this cz if i m like now, in my college life, surely u guys will think that i have lost my mind or maybe something has gone wrong. Will u??? Neh, i noe the answer is no, cz like the word things change, people change, u change, me change ( thaught by ms. YONG YIEN HUA ).... Swt.... LAME..... Hahahahaha....

Well, i will leave all the worries wen i take my SPM result. Rite now, i m so excited to go home to see my family ( mom, dad, bro's ) and have a " date " with my dear friends to free my mind from all those worries. Hahaha.... Oh and happy holidays to all.... ^u^

HOME.... i m coming, wait for me~